?. Everything is a moral question. Every statement is a moral statement. Every act is a moral act. Is there a place for amorality? Sex maybe, haha!
1. I expect perfection. This is a silly nonsensical thing, and I expect it all the same. It's got it's upsides - there's always more for which to strive.
2. I can be really stubborn, and this makes it tough when I have to re-prioritize what I'm doing. For example, having children is morally disdainful to me, so I opt to recognize my mandatory child support payments as an obscure antiquity of the American legal system. Still, children exist, and they require a healthy environment in which to mature. That environment is related to social normalities even if these normalities are poorly suited to the nature of our species. So, we shall see what becomes of ourselves, and I shall see what becomes of me.
3. Contradictions. I want to do what's right, but I want what I want, impulsively, which is at times disjoint and conflicting with what I perceive as right. Examples: asexuality is right, I want sex; exercising is right, I want to relax; contentedness is right, I sometimes feel off. Especially difficult are the contradictions regarding relationships... I want a relationship, and I also want certain people. The people I want sometimes want children; the people I'm uninterested in sometimes want me. If I pursue a relationship, without pursuing the person with whom I pursue the relationship, I run a high risk of hurting someone, myself included. Electing to pursue on a highly selective basis is tiring and difficult.
These blog posts have become a way to vent, and yet, I struggle to vent because they are 'public' (though not really because no one reads them).
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I feel like a whiny little prick when I complain and say these things, but better to say them here than to say them to people who care about how I feel? Those people like to be a support perhaps true, and I love them and should let them. But also, I don't want them to need to feel like supports, and I want to feel like I don't need supports, so I choose to do this shit here, where no one hears it... I don't want to pay child support because I have to, I want to pay child support because I'm asked to. Why does the legal system let us choose who we marry anyway? Other relationships are litigated by force. Let's be clear, I can understand the idea of balancing the needs of individuals against my own needs. Even though if I had my choice, I would not be part of a legal 'parent-child relationship,' whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean, and even though I don't feel responsible for creating life because nowadays sex and procreation are practiced more widely as disjoint acts than as one and the same, especially in this case since abortion was the stated intended course of action, and even though it might be hard for you to understand this, simply paying child support isn't the problem. The problem is that there's no humanity, there's no negotiation, there's no contextual justice, there's no gray area. You can be raped, which I wasn't, you can have your semen stolen, which wouldn't be too far from the truth, you can be a father of 5 years, and in every case, the justice is the same, mostly absent, blackandwhite, inhuman.
Ok, that was the easy part...
It makes me feel unloved, that a person I trusted could violate the essence of my morality, have a child using my seed, then not even have the decency to ask me for help, but rather abuse the legal system in order to extract the child's 'fair sure' of my financial worth. That she would not even want to speak to me, that she would not apologize. I'm not blameless. I accept responsibility for letting myself be hurt. I can do better, I can move on faster, I can forgive more easily. I made mistakes. I had sex. I said hurtful things. I know you wanted a child. I'm sorry. Sometimes, perfection just doesn't happen, no matter how hard we try. Still it makes my feel raped, empty, abused, worthless, wrong that I have no control, no reasonable recourse, and no sympathy in your actions. I will wait, and I will ask once more what you want. In time, I will return. Then, who knows?
Emotions are awful. They're also kind of fun. It's very frustrating that we have fairy tales and we use the phrase 'in love' like it's 'love.' In love is the dumb, deaf, blind, pathetic, moronic version of love. It's the evil step sister. In love is love tainted with infatuation - the obsessive weakness of unsuspecting children. It taunts the mature, inexperienced loners. Blah, blah, blah, blah blah...
I've wanted - really really wanted - two people. One of them rejected me accidentally, I hadn't even tried to express myself... fear, low self image, probably both, I can't remember and it's unimportant, I was young - 13 or 14 maybe. Many years later there was another. She was gentle, the rejection was almost mutual in a way. Silly, stubborn, deeply rooted, but perhaps still right? I'm still confused by the kind of fun awfulness of 'humanity.' I still love her. The hard part is that I still want her. It's the desire that's misplaced; the love is reasonable, we're still friends.
It's pretty strange. How do you move past desire anyway? What's sexy doesn't become objectively or subjectively less beautiful just by willing it to be less beautiful. It seems pretty reasonable to continue desiring even if you can't say it or act on it in any meaningful way. Re-prioritizing and comparing. How we think, expectations, outcomes.
I'm still scared, I'm more tired, but I'm a bit more relaxed too, and I made something, even if it's just for me, a different me, for us :)
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