Today sucked. I wasn't able to focus at work, partially because I was attempting to do things that are fairly boring like write and validate unit tests for a bunch of old xml endpoints, and partially because I was distracted by my incessant desire to feel in control. Grams asked me recently if I felt in control of my life and I just sort of laughed. I think that I would have said yes until about six or nine months ago. It's still quite a strange question, what is control. Our understanding of the universe seems to be that things are largely determined by the nature of random details, and that control is largely an abstract illusion. Even when I know what I want, why I want it, and approximately how to get it, I can fail to actually act toward what I want, or I can be distracted or realize that maybe I don't want it after all. Worst of all, you can end up getting either something you didn't plan for that is perceived as negative (this made me cry today - http://www.quora.com/What-is-the-hardest-thing-you-have-ever-done) or you can get something that you explicitly planned against.
This post sucks, but I'm not editing or making it longer because I'm tired, and I'm going to go do flips and go to bed.
Good things about today... I ate good food (http://www.goodfoodmadison.com / http://www.maharanimadison.com/home.html).
I talked with Alex about work, and I have clear goals for tomorrow.
I live in a world with other people.
I intentionally listened to opera and actually enjoyed it, which might be a first.
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